Oktubre 6 na pala, mahaba-haba din yung tinulog ko. Nagising na lang ako kaninang umaga sa malakas na tunog ng cellphone ko, hindi ko na nahintay yung pagtunog ng alarm clock na isinet ko kagabi. Tawag mula sa malapit na ospital na binisita ko kahapon.

May dalawang taon na rin itong nararamdaman ko sa kanang bahagi ng tyan ko, kasabay ng pagsakit ng kanang bahagi ng buto ng balikat ko. Minsan umiikot siya sa kanang tyan ko, pero mas madalas kapiling ko ang sakit bago ako matulog hanggang sa maghapong trabaho.

Akala ko noon e dala lang ng gutom, hindi kasi ako kumakain ng maayos noong nasa Singapore pa ako dahil sa wala akong kasamang kumain sa maghapon. Madalas e kape at yosi lang ang laman ng tyan at baga ko.

Sa totoo lang, kinakabahan ako sa kung anong klaseng sakit na nararamdaman ko. Hindi naman sya yung masakit na masakit pero dama ko yung tensyon, sabi ko nga e “something’s goin on”.

Pero iniisip ko rin e baka sobrang kaiisip lang to?

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Kasabay ng pagkalagas ng isa sa pamilya ay ang panahon ng tag-lagas dito sa Canada (Fall season).  Hindi pa namin alam na nawala na si Tiyong Pabling ng kuhanan ko ito gamit ang cellphone ko habang naglalakad sa kalyeng madalas kong daanan.

Naka Spaghetti strap pa ako, kunwari hindi ko nararamdaman yung dumadamping lamig sa hubad na bahagi ng katawan ko pero hindi ako nakatiis.  Isinuot ko ang sweat shirt na binaon ko bago ako umalis ng bahay.

Habang daan nakita ko ang isang squirrel na umaaligid aligid sa isang bahagi ng lupa sa labas ng soccer court, nagbubungkal ng lupa at naghahanap ng pagkain.  Iniisip ko, bakit ang hayop na ito ay kayang mamuhay mag-isa sa gitna ng lansangan…bakit ako hindi.

Sensya na.  Fall season kasi.  Panahon din ng pagsulpot ng depresyon.  Noong una, may nakapagsabi lang sa akin na marami ang nababaon sa depresyon kapag ganitong panahon, hindi ko alam na aatakihin din pala ako nito.

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Tumawag ang kapatid ko sa Australia, ang sabi niya namatay daw si Tyong Pabling, kapatid ni nanay.  Inatake daw habang naliligo sa probinsya.  Pangalawang atake na nya daw iyon ngayong taong ito, hindi na siya nakaligtas sa pangalawang atake.

Hindi man inaasahan, umiyak yung tyuhin ko dito.  Siyempre kapatid niya yun, pero wala siyang magagawa.  Palagay ko at tiyak na tiyak ko gagawin niya yung madalas na sinasabi niya sa ilang mga kakilala na namatayan sa pinas.  Kaysa nga daw naman ipamasahe pa yung pera e ipadala na lang sa pinas para makatulong sa panggastos.

Katulad ng nangyari noong namatay ang asawa ni Inang, nanay ng tyahin ko.  Hindi na umuwi si Inang bagkus ay nagpadala na lang ng pera sa pinas.

Iniisip ko, ganun na lang ba yun? O ganun talaga iyon.  Dahil hindi naman kalakihan ang kinikita dito sa Canada, may pamilya at mga kung anu-ano pang bayarin, hindi kakayaning bumalik sandali sa pinas para makita ang malapit na kamag-anak na yumao…asawa man o kapatid.

Parang ako.  Wala akong magagawa kundi umusal ng maikling panalangin at sabihing PAALAM TYONG PABLING!

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“Why are you there (Canada) then?” My cousin retorts when I told her that I don’t dream big.

I don’t really dream big. When my mother asked me what I want to be when I grow up, I was in grade school that time, and I told her I want to be a teacher.

But honestly, I don’t know what I really want to be. I have never thought about that, it’s just that I felt that my mother was waiting for my answer so I replied with no hesitation.

And wanting to be a teacher is not big either, at least in the Philippines.

When I was still in Tondo, I always see this house every time I buy vegetables for our meal. If you know the common ‘tao’, they buy common needs when they need it, so I get to see this small house two to three times a day. Their house is probably smaller than ours, or I just thought that it is smaller because it seems that they have these appliances tucked in their living room. Since it is small, the living room might also be their dining room, just like us.

What I like in that house was the organ in one corner and the phone (we have no phone yet at that time) and the organ seem to grant my wish to learn to play any musical instrument. Guitar would be fine but, it won’t give me the glory of having a small but appealing house.

Still, not a big dream. I could wish a big house and lot in one of the richest subdivision or condominium in Makati but I didn’t.

I never thought of leaving Tondo.

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Is my site ready yet? I’ve been refreshing my site for an hour, I am in the mood for making a post today when I realized that I was like ditched by this miserable site in the middle of the long winding road.

It’s been a week since Entrecard launched their magic toolbar and I was in awed because I figured that it will help me to get more drops than usual. I’ve been goaling to get 300 drops a day but my long working days don’t allow me to do so. It is even cutting me to post regularly.

11 to 13 hours work daily, depends on what time I want to go downto my room, there is nothing much to blog actually. And I don’t have that much knowledge on everything around me, all you see here is nothing but whining and drooling over something I want to do but I cannot do or I am refusing to do.

Yesterday I received a call from Winghill Writing School, it is an online school for writing. I said before that I want to learn creative writing, I don’t want to just blog about something and earn a little. Alright, I am making myself stupid here.

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So I went to Niagara today believing that I will explore the place all by myself because my uncle and his family are bound to go shopping in Buffalo, New York. I still can’t believe that you’ll only cross the bridge from Niagara and you’ll be in New York, that’s cool!

They didn’t cross the border because of heavy traffic, and I found myself strolling around Niagara with them.

I got some stuff for me and a Zippo for my father, but was not happy because I didn’t bring any of my two digital camera. I was very eager to this second visit to Niagara and was planning to buy my desired DSLR because the place is so grand. I had some photos of it in my old camera but I know the photos taken with DSLR camera will outdo my previous shots.

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I thought, I don’t know the feeling of having a hangover anymore and will not get it any longer for the rest of my life. I still drink yes. A bottle or two beers while in front of my laptop, flicking my keyboards. Or a bottle of Beringer White Zinfandel, if I am not too thrifty enough to buy one (that’s only for me, they may get so lucky – my aunt’s visitors- if they can get some from my bottle.

But a drinking binge in a great night of party? Oh! The feeling of in the party atmosphere is so delicious. That, also, I thought I will never get to experience again.

It is a different party from Filipino parties I always have to attend because my bum is so tired sitting while my finger is working on keyboard. But I don’t like it. I don’t like, after eating, I will fight for the microphone and burn my eyes with edited images of Philippines beautiful places in WOW! Magic Sing – so unreal, why not putting real pictures for that, they earn too much from pinoy ex pats any ways – while belting out tunes as if I can sing.

I don’t like it when I am waiting in queue for the microphone again, and I hear voices shouting Tong-it or asking me if I have some spare…because they need some spare.

I don’t like staying up late in the parties doing nothing, except waiting for my turn to sing (again) and giving some spare to the tong-it player relatives.

I want real parties. Nice and contemporary music’s that will pull you to dance, overflowing drinks and foods, meeting new acquaintances and a good laugh while having everything at hand.

Last night, I wasn’t a guest in the party. I was still at work, helping the party hosts for they were having their wedding anniversary, but I must say that I had fun…so much fun that I had a hangover this morning.

But at least, i didn’t curse alcohol again.

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—–across the sea…to be near you…to be free….

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What is the difference between spending my weary Sunday afternoon inside my dreary room (which is looked like a dorm, my friend say) with cluttered books, baggy and some mails (not to mention the junk foods, drinks, strings of hairs that fell off my head -I am getting bald soon, me a bald lady, I can’t imagine how I am going to look like- and some personal belongings) and sitting in the shaded part of the park with my current reading and two bags of groceries and of course my undying point and shoot camera?

Because I was again, attacked by monstrous boredom - I compare him with Goliath, and I am David, ready to sling a stone to strike my opponent (monstrous boredom), but instead I hit the shower room, wear my once used jeans and I didn’t forget my shirt of course. I picked my book -the single women’s best friend according to one movie I have watched - and beat the humid weather and yet again, the lonesome street.

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I don’t know if there are surfers or bloggers near around Innisfil and Alliston City that stumble here, but if there’s any, I hope they will see this post. One or two people who will read this plead and will decide to chuck some old and unwanted children’s books in front of my uncle or my employer’s doorstep is huge enough for me and the kids who will benefit this little good deed

My nanay (mother) and I had both agreed that I am not going to send Balikbayan Boxes - full of canned goods, clothes and some necessities the Filipinos assumed relatives left in the Philippines needs and would love to have. We both know that they can buy all those stuff back home with lesser price, so I better send money than goods, I am okay with that.

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Then you tell yourself
What you want to hear
Cause you have to believe
This will be my year

I love this song. I search for the Semisonic’s album where I could see Closing Time, it was one of my favorite song, or I should say still my favorite to this day. We used to play it when we want to shake off the remaining costumers in the computer cafe I used to work.

“It’s closing time, hoist your butt from the chair and leave, come on!”

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won’t be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

I realized that these lines really suits to our regular customers, mostly were students from the nearby schools. They were fanatics, I see them everyday in their favorite computers usually chatting until midnight.

Earlier as I was cleaning my employer’s house which is 10 times bigger than the house where I grew up, I turned on my iPod to its maximum volume. I used my employer’s daughter’s iPod dock so that my music tracks will fill the emptiness of my surroundings.

This Will Be My Year played, it sounds like 80’s to me and the tune totally draw me into the song because I love 80’s music, it made me bring back to an era where I thought that the present was forever..endless….unchanging.

But I was wrong. I need to add 1 every year end, my teacher once told me. And every year, everything’s changing.

And every year, why on earth I have not considered at least one year to be my year?

Not until I heard this song. I feel like I want this to be my National anthem. It is my year according to Chinese calendar anyway.

This will be my year

I am a rat.

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I told myself I need to grow up; I know I need to grow up. Being a 35 year old me and a mother of an eleven year old girl don’t prove that I’m a grown up lady.

Four years ago, my mother was wrong diagnosed by a stupid doctor of an ovarian disease, and she wants to remove my mother’s ovary or else she’ll acquire cancer of the ovary, she said. My mother was devastated with the news and all she can think of is how I am going to live without her…just in case.

But come to think of it, she really needs to think of me because I can’t even buy my own undies at that age. Oh well, I have to say this again and again just to show how dependent of me to my parents my whole life. But I am responsible; I have to tell you that.

It’s not that I never work for all my life during those days, but job was just a small stint. I did a very small business with my sister also, but having seen me in front of my computer all days after work or sometimes while working at the store made them think that I am a rotten tomato instead of rotten tomatoes must throw on me.

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Today is June 5, to this date last year, I think I was on the plane to Japan, and there I stayed for 5 hours, waiting for another flight straight to here (Canada).

I arrived in Pearson International Airport in June 5 also, for there is 12 hours of time difference. When I went outside, I removed my jacket because I thought that it is going to be humid outside. I wasn’t thinking of spring because I don’t know spring. We haven’t introduced to each other yet. I just found out few weeks ago that Spring’s actually name is Rhain also known as Rain.

It is so strange that, these people here are always talking about temperature. Today is 23 degrees and tonight is going to be 13 degrees.

I only see the weather conditions when I am watching news on TV when I was back home. My friend here told me that, maybe because you only have same weather every time.

Anyway, I promised myself a gift for my endurance. 4 years ago, when I finally decided to get off my parents place and giving up everything I get for free, my father told the rest that I’ll go back to where I don’t even buy even my undies. The place where I am protected from storms and flood - if I am not going outside when there’s heavy rain- and I am loved and pampered with fluttered eyes.

Now here I am, have been worked to Singapore for 2 and half years, there I learned that I can cook (bleh tatay!), visits Malaysia and Indonesia for few days’ trip and working as a Live-In Caregiver in Canada for a year now, where I also learned that I can cook some delicious food (bleh again tatay!)

I guess I already passed all the trials an OFW should deal with, although home sickness attack from time to time.

So I decided to give myself a gift, maybe a coffee from Tim Hortons and a walk again to Downtown. One big
bottle of Beringer’s White Zinfandel and Nikon D60? How’s that for me?

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I want to count the reason I feel I had a good walk yesterday. I usually refused the thought of leaving my “confinement”; first I am tired of walking on the same old street. All I see is the empty road, dull front yards and the stillness of the woods – my routine to the park.

I sometimes think that striding the same path over again just adding an extra baggage to my solitude. But I cannot avoid walking down this alley. There are three possible way to get to downtown, I usually use the two, and the last street is going to be a long and tedious pace. That is going to be a horrible walk for me, so I slip out that street to my choices.

Along the County Road 89 (am still stunned with the street names I see, I have never seen a street name like that in Manila), the dreary atmosphere was replaced with eagerness to glance through every shop, I passed by.

Leafing through the pages of Pro-Photoshop Magazine – I, once again, inside the Shoppers Drug Mart browsing through some books and magazines – my eyes settled on the Nikon Workshop which will be held in Egypt. A cost of US$3,500 to experience different kind of Nikon DSLR and the beauty of Egypt in one whole week trip had made me to slip in daydreaming.

I was overwhelmed with the idea; of course I cannot sign up myself to that trip. The reason that I am not a professional photographer didn’t thwart me on dreaming that Egypt Photography Workshop, it is the cost that rouse me.

I left the drug mart and went back down the road, hope to have glimpses of what is new, or what I missed when I walked passed through this earlier.

I saw an Orthodontics clinic which I am very gladly to visit one of these days, the gym that would definitely going to be my hang-out on weekends and…. and the travel agency. What`s with the travel agency?

They are displaying these wonderful pictures taken in Italy and a question “DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE LIKE THIS BY YOUR OWN SELF” was written in bold black cut-outs shouting at me.

I have read about Italy in my current reading Eat, Pray and Love. I read about Rome, Sicily, Sardinia, the heart of Venice, Lucca. I read names like Giovanni, Luca and Giovanni and Luca. I have learned the word Attraversiamo, which means “let’s cross over”. This means I need to cross over the street and forget about traveling and taking pictures weather in Egypt or in Italy.

I cross the street but the idea of traveling was still enticing. Why not? Maybe soon I need to contact Italy Vacation Rentals and or London Vacation Rentals (I remember how I envy my friend who had a trip to UK) or Paris Vacation Rentals.

So this is what my walk had given me, a daydream.

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When my employer and I met the for the first time, that was after we both agreed to meet so that we can talk and get to know each other a little, she had mentioned about planning as part of a caregiver / nanny job.

Although I know already that house cleaning and some household chores are part of the job, I was unsure about planning. I know I am going to follow order, but planning? Of course I know it is house matters, so I have to leave that to the couple I am going to be employed with.

After three days of trial, she decided to get me full time and be a “part of the family”. During the working hours, she has to ask me about grocery lists and some stuff that we need for the house necessities.

Stuff for cooking obviously, is one of them. That, now I know is planning. Planning a grocery list and planning what to cook at least for a week. That also made me worries because we have a different kind of cuisine. We Filipinos, can eat their food, but them to eat ours? I doubt it.

However, they amazed me when they like my sea food fried rice, pancit (fried noodles to them), sotanghon (noodle soup) – and I tell you, they share the news to their friends that I can cook a delicious sotanghon. I even cooked chicken tocino, menudo, mechado – which they called beef stew, chopsuey and different kinds of shanghai rolls. I don’t know if they love those but at least they eat it. Or they don’t have a choice?

Needless to say, I get to learn some of their dishes too, and I am glad that my employer also told me that I can learn some recipes too (she has a lot of recipes in the kitchen), and even search some recipes from the Internet for me.

Planning for supper which is Canada’s big meal for the day is definitely a task for me. Since I am not really a good cook, I need a recipe book for a help. But I am not a recipe book reader; I’d rather leaf through my fiction/non-fiction books than a digest full of cooking elements. Yet, I can browse through the net for recipes.

I am glad that there’s a lot of blogs that caters into this topic and I am so happy that I saw the DayRecipe to which they update their blog daily with their favourite recipes that I can try cooking.

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