By manilenya - Last updated: Monday, July 14, 2008

What is the difference between spending my weary Sunday afternoon inside my dreary room (which is looked like a dorm, my friend say) with cluttered books, baggy and some mails (not to mention the junk foods, drinks, strings of hairs that fell off my head -I am getting bald soon, me a bald lady, I can’t imagine how I am going to look like- and some personal belongings) and sitting in the shaded part of the park with my current reading and two bags of groceries and of course my undying point and shoot camera?

Because I was again, attacked by monstrous boredom - I compare him with Goliath, and I am David, ready to sling a stone to strike my opponent (monstrous boredom), but instead I hit the shower room, wear my once used jeans and I didn’t forget my shirt of course. I picked my book -the single women’s best friend according to one movie I have watched - and beat the humid weather and yet again, the lonesome street.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I have just finished reading one article in the magazine I recently bought, and it’s all about regrets, about being sorry for themselves and about living with sadness which seems like most people enjoys having it beside them while watching drama shows on their television sets.

Funny how the author have mentioned celibate/celibacy in her steps on transforming their way when people will tell the story of their past, it totally struck me. I first encounter the word celibacy in Bo Sanchez interesting editorial column in Kerygma Magazine.

His vow to celibacy. He wasn’t married yet. I am separated and he’s being adorable (I find him one through his writings) was the subject of my imagery. In my mind, I also declared my oath to celibacy.

That’s why I was so wretched when I found out a year ago that he’s married with two kids. Kidding! Lol

Seriously, it’s been 10 years, since I decided to stay single again, and it’s like, I’ve been grieving for the lost of a relationship - now, I need to explain that it is not my relationship to that person that cause my grief but the word and true meaning of the “relationship” itself – all my life.

I spent a decade of celibacy rather than celebrating my freedom, and I know it’s not good because I just nailed myself to unhappiness. I utterly missed life.

Now, how can I talk about this topic? I’m a kind of not open with this one, but I also want to digress in my usual detachment.

I don’t have a social life outside the net, so it’s impossible for me to meet new friends. I don’t go out a lot, and most guys I met online seems not interested (and so do I – it’s hard to put meaning into friendship, it will just leave you nothing but yourself in the long run)

How about Dating Services? I tried to click the ad in one of my dreary post, I didn’t know why that post generated an online dating ads. I clicked it and I joined out of curiosity, but I didn’t engage myself to its online paid services, for I still have apprehension to this kind of thing.

I know, I need to take the extra step of signing up to one of these paid for online dating services, and I am still collecting some nerves to thrust myself to strangers.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, June 21, 2008

(Photo from sonystyle)

I lost my point and shoot digital camera without noticing it. It’s been months, since I have been last touched of it. It is always been my baby, and I admit I am so attached to my camera. It’s always in my bag, I can forget my purse but never my camera, wherever I go to, it is always a rule to transfer it if I want to use another bag, it is my best friend. It was my best friend.

For some, it is strange that I wasn’t disappointed losing it. I look for it everywhere and still thinking of the places where I left it but not finding it didn’t make me thwart. But I’m not apathetic; I just want a replacement, a new best friend, that is.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, June 8, 2008

I told myself I need to grow up; I know I need to grow up. Being a 35 year old me and a mother of an eleven year old girl don’t prove that I’m a grown up lady.

Four years ago, my mother was wrong diagnosed by a stupid doctor of an ovarian disease, and she wants to remove my mother’s ovary or else she’ll acquire cancer of the ovary, she said. My mother was devastated with the news and all she can think of is how I am going to live without her…just in case.

But come to think of it, she really needs to think of me because I can’t even buy my own undies at that age. Oh well, I have to say this again and again just to show how dependent of me to my parents my whole life. But I am responsible; I have to tell you that.

It’s not that I never work for all my life during those days, but job was just a small stint. I did a very small business with my sister also, but having seen me in front of my computer all days after work or sometimes while working at the store made them think that I am a rotten tomato instead of rotten tomatoes must throw on me.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, June 7, 2008

I can’t copy the picture I stumble in one of my Entrecard dropping spree, but I tell you what, this picture got really makes me move my butt from endless incisive, as in looking for my new wordpress template with intense rummaging.

I am all but super obsessive on finding a new template since I don’t feel like using my former theme anymore. Sometimes I have this feeling that I don’t really like blogging that much, it is the site design that makes me goofy. I change template to template after all. And I am not contented with what I’ve downloaded.

Frankly speaking, I’ve got the nerve to say it; it reflects this whole searching of a very neat wordpress theme in my life. I get what I want (because I am working hard to get it), and yet I tend to not liking it anymore when it sits in front of me. Except that Digital SLR that I penchant, of course, I am absolutely yearning for it.

Well, Dimaks my friend, I never thought of a house and lot yet. It crossed to my mind, yeah but I think my present pathetic situation (I’m bored, alone and I want to go out today even for a cup of coffee and whining and yelling and screaming because it’s freaking hot in here, Oh yeah, why coffee? Maybe a cup of ice cream is just right) I am thinking of having my own car! Skreeeccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sigh!

All I have here is Jelly Beans. I better shut down this laptop and turn on my DVD player. I’ll ask the owner of the very nice photo I saw, if I can post it here later.

Bye bye! (Me tossing jelly beans to my mouth while exiting.)

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By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, June 1, 2008

I want to count the reason I feel I had a good walk yesterday. I usually refused the thought of leaving my “confinement”; first I am tired of walking on the same old street. All I see is the empty road, dull front yards and the stillness of the woods – my routine to the park.

I sometimes think that striding the same path over again just adding an extra baggage to my solitude. But I cannot avoid walking down this alley. There are three possible way to get to downtown, I usually use the two, and the last street is going to be a long and tedious pace. That is going to be a horrible walk for me, so I slip out that street to my choices.

Along the County Road 89 (am still stunned with the street names I see, I have never seen a street name like that in Manila), the dreary atmosphere was replaced with eagerness to glance through every shop, I passed by.

Leafing through the pages of Pro-Photoshop Magazine – I, once again, inside the Shoppers Drug Mart browsing through some books and magazines – my eyes settled on the Nikon Workshop which will be held in Egypt. A cost of US$3,500 to experience different kind of Nikon DSLR and the beauty of Egypt in one whole week trip had made me to slip in daydreaming.

I was overwhelmed with the idea; of course I cannot sign up myself to that trip. The reason that I am not a professional photographer didn’t thwart me on dreaming that Egypt Photography Workshop, it is the cost that rouse me.

I left the drug mart and went back down the road, hope to have glimpses of what is new, or what I missed when I walked passed through this earlier.

I saw an Orthodontics clinic which I am very gladly to visit one of these days, the gym that would definitely going to be my hang-out on weekends and…. and the travel agency. What`s with the travel agency?

They are displaying these wonderful pictures taken in Italy and a question “DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE LIKE THIS BY YOUR OWN SELF” was written in bold black cut-outs shouting at me.

I have read about Italy in my current reading Eat, Pray and Love. I read about Rome, Sicily, Sardinia, the heart of Venice, Lucca. I read names like Giovanni, Luca and Giovanni and Luca. I have learned the word Attraversiamo, which means “let’s cross over”. This means I need to cross over the street and forget about traveling and taking pictures weather in Egypt or in Italy.

I cross the street but the idea of traveling was still enticing. Why not? Maybe soon I need to contact Italy Vacation Rentals and or London Vacation Rentals (I remember how I envy my friend who had a trip to UK) or Paris Vacation Rentals.

So this is what my walk had given me, a daydream.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, June 1, 2008

I was walking to downtown this afternoon and I swear I still can’t believe that I am intruding one of the uninterrupted streets in this small town of Alliston in Canada. For the locals, they won’t find the street unruffled due to the ongoing sounds of the engines created by the motorists and the sudden loud car radio of the young drivers. But for me, it is so quiet and restful here.

I hit Shoppers Drug Mart again to browse through some books, but I didn’t buy any because I found a store where I can buy books in low-priced. I get the Study Guide for driver’s permit instead. I decided to take G1, meaning I can start learning how to drive a vehicle soon.

I was having a second thought at first, because I don’t believe I am ready to sit behind the steering wheel yet. I have heard of many car accidents, especially in some highways here. I don’t trust myself and I don’t trust other drivers either.

The last thing that I said was actually epitomized my being as a whole, I don’t trust anybody including myself, and I hate that.

And if you hate something, you don’t want to live with it. I said, I should start knowing my potentials and believe that I can do things, driving could be one of these.

After living here for almost a year (in few days, I will be staying here for a year and I said I am going to celebrate that day. It is like my first birthday. A was supposed, new me), I realized that driving your own (or borrowed) car is a taste of freedom.

I have to say that I lived and still living in a confinement. A detention. I worked all week and lock up myself in my four corners room every weekend. My only reward is a good walk around Alliston streets, if I am not lazy to do that.

No buses and costly cab fare prevented me to explore in my new found city. That is why sometimes I am asking myself, “Do I really want to live here?”

My inner self, again, will reply “Let’s go to the real city, let’s move to Toronto.” I don’t know if my uncle heard my usual conversation with my inner self when told me “How many times did I tell you to take a driving exam and learn driving, so you can go anywhere, work anywhere and live anywhere?”

Before I forget, my inner self is telling me to do our weekly mutterings.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I said I don’t want to make meme anymore, but I have three reasons why I can’t turn down this meme. Firstly, it’s from Ate Liza, and if it’s from Ate Liza it must be good (Seiko!). Secondly, it’s about me and my daughter. I don’t post about my daughter that much, but my online friends knows how passionate I am when I blog about “my baby” who told me yesterday morning when I called her that she already has boobs (her term). I swear I can’t stop laughing. I find her so open to her femininity which I wasn’t when I was her age. In fact, I remember myself crying when my uncle used to sing me “bata pa si sabel (sabel is still a kid)” or “dalaga na si sabel (sabel is now a lady)” (which ever that is, I can’t recall any more). Well, it’s good because it shows that she’s confident with herself and she’s starting to discover womanhood, which means……I AM GETTING OLD!!! Shucks! I can’t believe I’m getting old lol!

And lastly, I thought I was pretty in this photo. :p

You and your children meme

~ Begin Copy ~

Rules :

1. Start Copy from “Begin Copy” until “End Copy“.

2. Choose the photo(s) of you and your child(ren) that you would like to share in your blog, with a small story/explanation about when and where the photo(s) was/were taken.

3. Add your blog name and url blog, then leave your url post in here. And I’ll add you to the Master List.

4. Please help spread this tag by tagging your friends as much as you can.

5. Please come back again to copy the update of the master list, often. This process will help new participants to get the same gains as the first participants.

This was taken in 2006, almost 2 years after I left to Singapore. I stay with my sister and took care of my niece and Aya (my daughter) was left to my parent’s care. She has her own nanny (my cousin), since my parents were both busy. Funny right?

Master List :

1. Juliana’s Site 2. 2. Moms…..check nyo 3. Pinay WAHM 4. Residual Matters  5. My So Called World 6. So Cute 7. Pinaymama’s Diary 8. Beauty of Life 9. Point of View 10. The Callalily Space 11. Nyumix 12. Aeirin Collections 13. 3 Garnets & 2 Sapphires 14. Twerlermz’s Blog 15. My Virtual Journal . your site URL here
~ End Copy ~

I am tagging Karen, c. gonzales and Alex.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Monday, May 26, 2008

“Can I get a house like that?” I was pointing at the house down at the Highway 89. The house is along the highway, and yet a big farm surrounded it where cows, ponies and big horses usually loiter around.

In front of the big house is a wide space, some trees are standing and there are areas where you can plant different flowers or veggies if you like.

“That is expensive.” My aunt said.

“Oh well, I don’t need the farm. But I really like the house…and the yard.”

Take a look at this place.

We used to live there. I was born and grew up in this place, besides this narrow street is a place called Paraiso, but I don’t think you would want to call it Paraiso or Paradise in English. I spent my entire life here until I decided to work abroad, and it was just recently that my parents made up their mind and move to another place. And yet, we still call it home.

My father loves to plant some vegetables in a big pot and placed it in the neighbor’s roof, adjacent to our terrace. It’s a good thing that the neighbor is a relative so we are allowed to do that. He loves to pets different animals too. Pets like big birds which food is fish liver, I remember he had rabbit too, dogs and hogs.

I guess my father will be going to like the house I always see when I pass the highway.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, May 25, 2008

My friend and I were actually planning things to break off our boredom during weekends or is it me that is so insistent (?) because she can kill time by watching old Filipino movies that my aunt’s borrowed from her relatives. And I am not.

She said she usually went out with friends, whenever she feels liked it back in the Philippines and so did I. One time we really want to go out and rush to a bar or a dance as they called it, but my uncle who was supposed to drive us, had to change his mind. We both need a time off and be merry even for a night, but that’s the glitch of being new to one country and positioned to a town that has no buses, cab to another town is so expensive. The people who we assume can go with us and have a free drive prefer to sit in front of playing cards instead of joining us. In the end, my friend will go to play with them, and I am left out in front of my computer…my ever loving laptop that have no choice but to embrace me every time a situation has to isolate me.

This weekend, she has decided not to stay with me in my uncle’s place due to financial constraint and the idea maybe add up to her boredom or, to say it all, lonesomeness, that she asked me to have a coffee with her when my employer dropped me off.

There is this cafe in downtown Alliston features arts and gourmet eats and treats and live entertainment. We don’t need to ask somebody to drive us both as it is just a walking distance away.

We always see what’s happening in the cafe every Thursday where they are having an “Open mic” in our weekly paper, and this is the nearest “refuge” for the “dead-beat” soul like the two of us, and so off we went to there.

The cakes were pretty good, the coffee was splendid (any kind of coffee is very good for me), the staff were so friendly that you would like to hang-out there every day and to top it all, there was this lady who plays wonderful jazz music with her guitar. I find her impressive especially when she performs The Rolling Stones Goodbye Ruby Tuesday which we thought was Rod Stewart’s Stairway to Heaven when we heard the intro of her guitar.

It was the first time that I heard that song actually, and I thought it was a very nice song. Too bad we need to leave the lady still performing for I don’t want to walk on home on the dark street.

So I guess I had an interesting weekend…..that is sweet!

Before I forget, I still have to mutters…..

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By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, May 24, 2008

My life should be interesting today….I saw this line in Book Calendar and reading that line, I felt a bit of jealousy to this blogger. I never used the phrase in my post ever since I started blogging, and I swear I never said it in my entire life.

If somebody asks how my day was or how was my weekend, I usually say fine or “good,” which means to me, okay I survived my day, and I guess I will be going to survive the next day.

Or the uninspiring response “same old, same old”, I got that from my boss, and it seems like it becomes my favorite response, every time he asks “what happened to you this weekend?”

Isn’t it is sweet if I say “Oh my life should be interesting today?” If anyone asks me, and I follow, “I learned my very first song in my guitar lessons today, or I signed up in a gym, or I stray in the heart of Toronto’s most exciting streets with a map in my one hand and my camera on the other hand….my camera? Oh yeah, I forgot it appears that I lose my camera. I haven’t seen it for some time. Sigh!

I was all but loaded with miserable antics, then again, last Wednesday night (or is it Thursday morning?) when I slept at 4:30 in the morning and at 7 AM, I needed to start to work that I realized I am so unkind to myself. Depriving myself of a good or long hour (or enough) sleep is appalling. No wonder I always feel so shattered.

And no wonder, because I am talking about “I”, that I made a resolution. I said, I want to be free from “residual matters”, I want to feel better, no, I want to be happy and I want to make, if not every day, at least my days out of work interesting. I should start with my sleeping habit.

In two nights, prior tonight, I slept earlier than my usual sleeping time. A toast for me. I can excuse myself tonight, since I have no work the next day.

I will see if my tomorrow will be interesting. I just hope so.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I was in my fifth grade when I first appreciate the comeliness of my school library. I started spending my afternoon there instead of my usual play on the raucous narrow street in my community. I don’t care if I miss the grouchy voice of the old lady who lives beside our home and loves to yell on us, due to the loud voices of my playmates (okay, including mine). I don’t mind them at all because I found a serene place where SILENCE becomes music to my ears.

I became familiar with the three school librarian; the arts teacher who I found out later, also a resident of my neighborhood, his office was located upstairs. inside the library and some male students (including my cousin) who actively participate in arts club.

Going over the mass of canvas, posters and streamers hanging around the arts club, and of course pictures of the previous leaders of my beloved country and historical places, I must say that our library was the very first museum I’ve been too.

But silly me, I don’t recall myself reading inside my then favorite hang-out. However, I do remember me browsing books from Filipiniana Section, I leaf through the pages of history and social studies books and wasn’t aware that eight years from that time, I am going to be socially aware and be active in the real sociology sense of the word.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, May 17, 2008

When my employer and I met the for the first time, that was after we both agreed to meet so that we can talk and get to know each other a little, she had mentioned about planning as part of a caregiver / nanny job.

Although I know already that house cleaning and some household chores are part of the job, I was unsure about planning. I know I am going to follow order, but planning? Of course I know it is house matters, so I have to leave that to the couple I am going to be employed with.

After three days of trial, she decided to get me full time and be a “part of the family”. During the working hours, she has to ask me about grocery lists and some stuff that we need for the house necessities.

Stuff for cooking obviously, is one of them. That, now I know is planning. Planning a grocery list and planning what to cook at least for a week. That also made me worries because we have a different kind of cuisine. We Filipinos, can eat their food, but them to eat ours? I doubt it.

However, they amazed me when they like my sea food fried rice, pancit (fried noodles to them), sotanghon (noodle soup) – and I tell you, they share the news to their friends that I can cook a delicious sotanghon. I even cooked chicken tocino, menudo, mechado – which they called beef stew, chopsuey and different kinds of shanghai rolls. I don’t know if they love those but at least they eat it. Or they don’t have a choice?

Needless to say, I get to learn some of their dishes too, and I am glad that my employer also told me that I can learn some recipes too (she has a lot of recipes in the kitchen), and even search some recipes from the Internet for me.

Planning for supper which is Canada’s big meal for the day is definitely a task for me. Since I am not really a good cook, I need a recipe book for a help. But I am not a recipe book reader; I’d rather leaf through my fiction/non-fiction books than a digest full of cooking elements. Yet, I can browse through the net for recipes.

I am glad that there’s a lot of blogs that caters into this topic and I am so happy that I saw the DayRecipe to which they update their blog daily with their favourite recipes that I can try cooking.

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By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, May 17, 2008

Enough of the drama. I told the dramatic actress in me to go to her room. I gave her the time-out that she deserves.

After reading my post, a friend said to me, that I sound like a woman to him. Of course I need to lift my pride; I told him that I’m not a woman. I’m gay. Uh-oh, of course, I was just blabbering and good thanks, the conversation happened in my Entrecards inbox not in person or in the phone, or else he might hear me doing speak of tongue.

I know that he wouldn’t like it if I do. And I bet that if I do, he will be going to lay his hands on my head and drive out the bad spirit that resides in my body.

Also, the bad spirit that covers my heart so that it won’t feel anything other than being solitary would not like that either. Who wants to depart from my sexy body (bwahahahaha!)? Not him!

The bad spirit wants me, he wants me to feel sad so I’ll hang to my solitariness and keep on blabbering inside – talking to my inner me- and the three of us will live happily ever after. Now, how come solitude will live happily ever after?

Clarification, I’m a woman. If I am not, I should be called Manilenyo. Also I’m gay, gay with so much drama which makes me a real woman.

(Photo source:   http://www.dragon.uml.edu)

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By manilenya - Last updated: Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Stop Insanity!

I saw this book while cleaning the computer nook this afternoon and it interest me. Susan Powter, the author of Stop Insanity just smacked me. The book is about weight-loss guide stuffed, not that I need to lose weight but the title itself tapped my brain a little. The two words had roused something confrontational inside me and my inner self.

“Hey! Have you seen the book?” my inner self said to me.

I didn’t reply, instead, I put the book on the dining table where the rest of the books I gathered from the computer nook lie.

“Have you read the title of the book?” my inner self asked me again, she doesn’t want to let go of me. She had made me stand still in front of the pile of books. And the Stop Insanity seems like shouting out loud at me. How I cannot read the title? Oh, I don’t read the title. I heard the title and I keep on hearing him (I just assume it’s a he. I have a lot of she in my life, I have two sisters and no brother, my father is the only male species around the house where I spent all of my life, so this time I want a he)

And he, the book, is shouting at me. Barking at me (or is it Rocky my employer’s dog is barking?) STOP INSANITY! STOP YOUR INSANITY!)

“Oh my GOD! Yeah, so?” I yelled my inner self. I want her to know that I am mad. I want her to go away.

“You’ve been whining a lot.” My inner self uttered a statement, she wasn’t asking at this time. “You’re working, but still whining. I can hear your sob. They are so low but little by little, you’re not noticing the dirge. It all came from your mouth. I saw you a few times going inside the wash room. And there, you were crying. You can’t stop the whining until you cry.”

Stopping. Thank GOD my inner self stopped.

“You’re not insane, are you?” my inner self asked me again.

(Photo source: http://www.bendiciones.com)

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