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By manilenya - Last updated: Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I have just finished reading one article in the magazine I recently bought, and it’s all about regrets, about being sorry for themselves and about living with sadness which seems like most people enjoys having it beside them while watching drama shows on their television sets.

Funny how the author have mentioned celibate/celibacy in her steps on transforming their way when people will tell the story of their past, it totally struck me. I first encounter the word celibacy in Bo Sanchez interesting editorial column in Kerygma Magazine.

His vow to celibacy. He wasn’t married yet. I am separated and he’s being adorable (I find him one through his writings) was the subject of my imagery. In my mind, I also declared my oath to celibacy.

That’s why I was so wretched when I found out a year ago that he’s married with two kids. Kidding! Lol

Seriously, it’s been 10 years, since I decided to stay single again, and it’s like, I’ve been grieving for the lost of a relationship - now, I need to explain that it is not my relationship to that person that cause my grief but the word and true meaning of the “relationship” itself – all my life.

I spent a decade of celibacy rather than celebrating my freedom, and I know it’s not good because I just nailed myself to unhappiness. I utterly missed life.

Now, how can I talk about this topic? I’m a kind of not open with this one, but I also want to digress in my usual detachment.

I don’t have a social life outside the net, so it’s impossible for me to meet new friends. I don’t go out a lot, and most guys I met online seems not interested (and so do I – it’s hard to put meaning into friendship, it will just leave you nothing but yourself in the long run)

How about Dating Services? I tried to click the ad in one of my dreary post, I didn’t know why that post generated an online dating ads. I clicked it and I joined out of curiosity, but I didn’t engage myself to its online paid services, for I still have apprehension to this kind of thing.

I know, I need to take the extra step of signing up to one of these paid for online dating services, and I am still collecting some nerves to thrust myself to strangers.

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Replacement after goodbye

By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, June 21, 2008

(Photo from sonystyle)

I lost my point and shoot digital camera without noticing it. It’s been months, since I have been last touched of it. It is always been my baby, and I admit I am so attached to my camera. It’s always in my bag, I can forget my purse but never my camera, wherever I go to, it is always a rule to transfer it if I want to use another bag, it is my best friend. It was my best friend.

For some, it is strange that I wasn’t disappointed losing it. I look for it everywhere and still thinking of the places where I left it but not finding it didn’t make me thwart. But I’m not apathetic; I just want a replacement, a new best friend, that is.

Mutterings: Ham-sa (I am That)

By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, June 15, 2008

My mutterings and you can see more mutterings here.

Purchase :: Buy
Squeaky clean :: Perfect
Blended :: Ice
Wednesday :: Wordless
Function :: Hall
Look down :: I will not look down on myself anymore.
July? :: Next month (if you’re asking when)
Raspberry :: Cake
Assertive :: Aggressive
Cracker :: Fire

And all the BIG ME.

Entrepreneur?

By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, June 8, 2008

I told myself I need to grow up; I know I need to grow up. Being a 35 year old me and a mother of an eleven year old girl don’t prove that I’m a grown up lady.

Four years ago, my mother was wrong diagnosed by a stupid doctor of an ovarian disease, and she wants to remove my mother’s ovary or else she’ll acquire cancer of the ovary, she said. My mother was devastated with the news and all she can think of is how I am going to live without her…just in case.

But come to think of it, she really needs to think of me because I can’t even buy my own undies at that age. Oh well, I have to say this again and again just to show how dependent of me to my parents my whole life. But I am responsible; I have to tell you that.

It’s not that I never work for all my life during those days, but job was just a small stint. I did a very small business with my sister also, but having seen me in front of my computer all days after work or sometimes while working at the store made them think that I am a rotten tomato instead of rotten tomatoes must throw on me.

Daydreaming

By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, June 1, 2008

I want to count the reason I feel I had a good walk yesterday. I usually refused the thought of leaving my “confinement”; first I am tired of walking on the same old street. All I see is the empty road, dull front yards and the stillness of the woods – my routine to the park.

I sometimes think that striding the same path over again just adding an extra baggage to my solitude. But I cannot avoid walking down this alley. There are three possible way to get to downtown, I usually use the two, and the last street is going to be a long and tedious pace. That is going to be a horrible walk for me, so I slip out that street to my choices.

Along the County Road 89 (am still stunned with the street names I see, I have never seen a street name like that in Manila), the dreary atmosphere was replaced with eagerness to glance through every shop, I passed by.

Leafing through the pages of Pro-Photoshop Magazine – I, once again, inside the Shoppers Drug Mart browsing through some books and magazines – my eyes settled on the Nikon Workshop which will be held in Egypt. A cost of US$3,500 to experience different kind of Nikon DSLR and the beauty of Egypt in one whole week trip had made me to slip in daydreaming.

I was overwhelmed with the idea; of course I cannot sign up myself to that trip. The reason that I am not a professional photographer didn’t thwart me on dreaming that Egypt Photography Workshop, it is the cost that rouse me.

I left the drug mart and went back down the road, hope to have glimpses of what is new, or what I missed when I walked passed through this earlier.

I saw an Orthodontics clinic which I am very gladly to visit one of these days, the gym that would definitely going to be my hang-out on weekends and…. and the travel agency. What`s with the travel agency?

They are displaying these wonderful pictures taken in Italy and a question “DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE LIKE THIS BY YOUR OWN SELF” was written in bold black cut-outs shouting at me.

I have read about Italy in my current reading Eat, Pray and Love. I read about Rome, Sicily, Sardinia, the heart of Venice, Lucca. I read names like Giovanni, Luca and Giovanni and Luca. I have learned the word Attraversiamo, which means “let’s cross over”. This means I need to cross over the street and forget about traveling and taking pictures weather in Egypt or in Italy.

I cross the street but the idea of traveling was still enticing. Why not? Maybe soon I need to contact Italy Vacation Rentals and or London Vacation Rentals (I remember how I envy my friend who had a trip to UK) or Paris Vacation Rentals.

So this is what my walk had given me, a daydream.

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Usok

By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, February 16, 2008

Kung ang habol mo sa paninigarilyo ay ang usok na lumalabas sa bibig o ilong mo, at paminsan-minsang paglabas nito sa tenga mo (kung nagtitrip o kaya nama’y feeling mo isa kang magician na yosi boy o yosi girl), dito sa malamig na kinauupuan ko e malamang hindi ka na magyosi. Lalo na kapag nalaman mong aabot sa kulang 400 pesos ang isang kaha.

Pero kung adik ka naman sa usok ng sigarilyo (hindi sa nikotina), okey lang. Yosi pa rin.

Happy Birthday Lisa!

By manilenya - Last updated: Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I really think that I owe you a talk but since I am lacking of words every time I speak, I resolute to put those words I can’t utter into writings. Besides, my apprehension started here. Exactly after I read your comment right from my inbox.

I was so ashamed of myself when I saw your comment. I even scolded myself for checking my mail through my hand phone, but of course I know I still can see that if I go online. I know, I cannot run.

It is so careless of me that I didn’t realize that I am going to offend you with that entry. Same as I didn’t realize that I am going to hurt my mother’s feeling when I wrote Ang Babae sa Kahabaan ng Recto (The Girl at Recto Avenue -) I asked her to visit this site and read but I didn’t expect her to root into my archives just like what you did.

Mommylenya fears

By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, December 16, 2007

Ninenok ko kay Senyorito Ambo yung title ko since mommylenya ang tawag nya sa akin at sa tingin ko e bagay na bagay yung title sa meme na ito na inabot na ng isang libong taon bago gawin.

Para sa akin masyadong kritikal ang isyung ito, yung isiwalat ang mga fears ko bilang ako na isang ina at ako bilang isang single mother/older sister ng nag-iisa kong anak.

Ipinanganak ko si Aya noong panahon na sikat na sikat si Leo Echagaray. Isa akong bagong ina, undergrad at hindi sigurado sa bagong buhay na tinatahak ko bilang isang ina at soon to be a “separada” beauty. At dahil nga sikat si Echegaray ako’y biglang natakot sa mga manyak na lalaking naka costume ng angel’s suits, I was paranoid back then. Hindi ako mapakali kung hindi ako ang magpapalit ng diaper ng anak ko.

At kung sa inaakala mo na iyan na ang kinatatakutan ko, nope. Alam ko na may mas matindi pang darating sa mga susunod na panahon, hindi ko lang malaman eksakto kung ano yun.

Bad ba ko?

By manilenya - Last updated: Friday, December 7, 2007

Noong kausap ng kaibigan kong pinay sa YM yung anak niya, ang sabi niya “yang hikaw mo tanggalin mo yan ha!”

41 na ang kaibigan ko at anak nya naman e 17 na. Hindi ko maiwasang sumabat. Nilapit ko yung bibig ko sa laptop at ang sabi ko “hindi, okey lang yan …wag mo tanggalin.”

Noong nagusap ulit sila, eto na naman si nanay pinipilit yung anak na tanggalin yung hikaw nya. Ang sabi nung anak, “e sabi ng kaibigan mo okey lang to.” Hindi tinanggal ng anak yung hikaw nya.

Sa tingin nyo bad ba ko?

Ako Noon, Ngayon at Bukas

By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, December 2, 2007

Ako noon sa Tundo

Art Therapy Workshops for Children Victims of Human Rights

By manilenya - Last updated: Sunday, November 11, 2007

Kapag nagkwento ako ng malungkot gusto ko bigla kong i-divert sa masaya ang tema. Ayaw ko kasi ng malungkot. Kasi alam ko kapag nag-isa na naman ako e atakihin na naman ako ng depresyon. Hindi maganda yun kasi tiyak papangit akong lalo.

Ngayon kung hindi ako mapasaya ng environment ko, ako mismo iisip ng pwedeng makapagpasaya sa akin. Yung tipong kahit nag-iisa ako e ngingiti-ngiti ako tapos madadagdagan yung iniisip kong nakakatawa, ngingisi na ko nyan. ngingisi ng ngingisi hanggang sa me konting halakhak na kong maririnig sa sarili ko. Hehehehe! Ala na tamang baliw na ko.

Nakakalungkot yung nangyari sa batang taga Davao at inamin ng pamahalaang ito na hindi kasama ang lugar ng Davao sa anti-hunger program ng kasalukuyang administrasyon kaya mas lalo akong nalungkot.

Pero ngayon hindi ko hahayaang maapektuhan ako ng emosyong ito. Lalo na kung alam kong may mga tao o mga organisasyong gagawin ang mga bagay na hindi kayang gawin ng isang mas dapat na may responsibilidad nito.

Sa ibaba makikita ang mga larawan ng mga batang sumailalim sa matyagang pag-fafacilitate ng aking dating kamag-aral, kateatro, kasama at kablag na sya ring dating Creative Director/Chairman ng kinabibilangan kong teatrong pangkultura na Dulaang Katig noon sa mga batang naging biktima ng marahas na political killings sa Southern Tagalog at sa ilang lugar na dinemolis sa kamaynilaan.

Dooms Day!

By manilenya - Last updated: Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Para kay Lex

By manilenya - Last updated: Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hindi ko maiwasang hindi maiyak after reading his post, I hope the person who’s reading this now will give his/her precious time to utter a short prayer for Lex. Thank you and may the love of Our Good Lord be with you.

i’m counting the hours….the ticking of the clock…..and when the right time comes, i’ll be fixing myself…..to start a new adventure….i’m going back to treatment…a crucial phase in my journey with leukemia…..i’m scared….but i’m praying and trusting Him…..with the hope that when this phase is through…..i’ll come out alive…

—–brokenman—-

On Educating Migrants

By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, September 8, 2007

Educating Migrants?

Here comes another brouhaha from a sosyal who happened to be a co-writer of Ms. Malou Fernandez in the great, very great Manila Standard. Now I think these people behind this infamous broadsheet are celebrating the mainstream.

Malou Fernandez got her name famous online and in the media as well so why not he, Emil Jurado? As the issue on discriminating OFW, the Domestic helpers and those Overseas Contract workersÂ doing odd jobs is almost fading (getting warmer after the big heat), Â here is Mr. Emil Jurado writing nonsense, a subject that most of us already know even without mentioning that there were movie producers who adopted the storyline in their films several times right? Remember Anak, Milan, Dubai and many more? They made big money. Moviegoers liked those films because they see themselves in the stories.

So what is new then? Nothing! What is the purpose? Simple, he just wants another page for himself and I’ll give him what he wants because I’m good.

That’s life

By manilenya - Last updated: Saturday, September 1, 2007

Naaliw lang ako dito:

uhmmnnn
oo
hindi nga kita kilala
pero
sa mga dinaranas mo
mali ka
hindi kita ngingitian
at mas lalong hindi
ko sasabihing kaya mo yan
dahil
hindi ko pinagdaanan
kung ano man yan
kung hindi kita kilala
tyak na tyak ako
hindi mo rin ako kilala
hindi ako ngingiti
hindi ako ngingisi
hindi ako tatawa
ni hindi ngingiwi
hindi ko sasabihing
kawawa ka
pero ang mata ko
ngayon
ay mistulang tainga
nakikinig
sa katahimikan
habang nagbabasa..

tapos sisigaw ako
â€œantayin ko dibidi kuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!â€